Tearing Down the House ... And Throwing Out the Rule Book

by Kathy Ryndak and Gord Riddell

 

A few years ago, a client asked if he could get a copy of the rules book. When asked what he was referring to, he replied that everyone seemed to know the rules as to how things were supposed to be, and he felt left out because he had no idea what the rules were.   While the story is true and somewhat humorous, the fact is, we all operate from a set of internal rules that we may or may not be aware of. These rules, until they become conscious, dictate our behaviour, feelings, and expectations, not only of ourselves, but of others, too. 

 

While rules can be important to help maintain some order in the society at large, rules can also get in the way of our personal lives if they were imposed by others and then assimilated into our psyches and become our own. The rules we are referring to are not what are considered laws of the land, but they are personal rules that tell us how to be, and how others are supposed to be. We began to receive these rules from our parents and teachers as very young children. They can be as harmless as having to be tidy and pick up your things, always clean your plate when eating – to more rigid rules such as boys don’t cry, or nice girls don’t show their anger. 

 

The Wall of Rules

 

The rules we have taken on are like bricks in a house. One by one they are placed upon the other until there is a structure. One rule after another built this wall, often very high walls, and the sad thing is, there is no door. Often the rules keep us trapped behind this wall without the freedom to come and go as we please. It keeps us behind the wall, but also keeps people on the other side of it, so no one can come in or go out. In essence, we lose our freedom of choice and remain trapped behind the wall. 

 

Whenever we do attempt to jump the wall and break free, we often end up feeling guilty, ashamed, or anxious. These rules which we have been acquiring throughout our lives from parents, teachers, authority figures, even Miss Manners, are imbedded deeply within us. It is more the emotional reaction to the rules than the actual rule that keeps us  stuck behind the wall. Even if no one knows that we stepped out from behind the wall, our feelings can be strong enough to drive us right back behind it. 

 

The house of rules can also be a safe, comfortable place to live. The human psyche loves to be safe and maintain the status quo. The more we strive to stay within our comfort zone however, the more we rob ourselves of the chance to grow and learn new possibilities. We cannot grow from what we already know, and we do not learn from what we are unwilling to experience. So the wall becomes the shield that robs us of new choices, and new, more exciting ways to experience our lives. 

 

Re-thinking Our Expectations 

 

Now, not only are our lives controlled by the rules, but we extend these rules to everyone else we know, and assume they are on the same page as we are. We expect people to act, think, feel, and behave just like us, or just the way we think they should. Why? Because those are the rules! We’re incredulous when someone acts contrarily. So our rules discourage individuality by assuming we’re all the same. Our assumption becomes an expectation, and that is the doorway to disappointment, every time. 

 

When we are disappointed in someone, an event, or place, it is because we expected it, unconsciously, to be a certain way. We are consistently disappointed throughout our lives because we expect one thing and get something else. It definitely challenges our control issues as we attempt to make our expectations a reality.

 

But disappointment is the universe’s way of forcing us to look at something differently, and to hopefully learn from it. Disappointment, when understood, allows you to remove a brick or two from the wall and let some more light in. It also lets you see more of who you are, and more of who other people are. No two people are alike, and no two people are on the same path as you are. We may share a path for a period of time, but ultimately the paths diverge as we actualize our individual natures. 

 

To avoid disappointment in our lives, we must put less energy into outcomes and expectations. When we open ourselves to whatever the outcome, we are more open to embrace possibilities, and thus there is a lot more gratitude in our lives than there is disappointment. It allows us to feel much freer and gives others in our lives the same choice of being who they are. The fewer expectations you have, the more often you will be pleasantly surprised. 

 

To slowly tear that wall down, you must be willing to challenge the rules and expectations you have of yourself and of others. Some of the rules you will want to keep. They can form the basis of your value system. An example may be the rule to never hit someone. This is a good rule and a strong value. The difference between rules and values is that rules are unconscious. Values, on the other hand, are arrived at through being conscious and making choices about how we choose to live our lives. Breaking through our rules and challenging them will make us uncomfortable and perhaps somewhat anxious, but that is always the way with human growth. The more discomfort you feel but keep going, the greater the chance you have of challenging old ways and beliefs in your life. The trick, though, is to keep pushing through the discomfort, and not let it force you back behind your wall. Often if we feel too anxious, we retreat back behind our walls so we can once again feel safe and comfortable. 

 

We all have the choice of feeling free in our lives to experience our own dreams, visions, and goals. We must, though, make an effort to tear down the wall, or at least to lower it, and live from our inner voice and not the voices and rules of others. In turn, we need to allow others in our lives the same freedom to be who they are and who they need to be. It is time to stop decorating your wall to make it more palatable, and instead risk tearing it down to see how much space there really is for you to live in. There is a big and wonderful world out there for you to inhabit. 

 

 

Gord Riddell and Kathy Ryndak are therapists and co-founders of the Transformational Arts College of Spiritual and Holistic Training. The College offers professional practitioner training programs in Spiritual Psychotherapy, Spiritual Director, Holistic Health Care, and Coaching. September enrollments are now in progress. In addition it offers Personal and Spiritual Growth Courses through a 10-part program “Discovering the Total Self”; the next start date is July. For a calendar call the College at (416) 484-0454 or toll free 1-800-TAC-SELF or visit www.transformationalarts.com