It’s Okay to Fly Solo
May 2008
Conscious Living
By Kathy Ryndak and Gord Riddell
During this past March, Gord went off to Mexico to escape the winter and enjoy the sun and surf. I also went on my own. Yes, I was actually traveling solo – no spouse and no friends. I was very excited about the prospect of spending lots of alone time, walking on the beach or up in the mountains, doing what I wanted when I wanted to do it. Prior to leaving, my friends began expressing their concern as to how I would handle so much time on my own. What would I do? How would I fill that much time all alone? Did I know people there?
Slowly their comments began to make me think that maybe my decision to take off on my own might not be a good one. It also occurred to me that their feedback, while expressing genuine concern for me, could actually be about their fears and feelings regarding flying solo themselves. Their message to me was, “It is not okay to be single and it is scary to travel all by yourself.” They felt they needed other people both at home and while traveling. There were lots of people I could have asked to travel with me, but I chose not to. I wanted the experience of being truly on my own.
The questioning did not stop with my Canadian friends. Once in Mexico, everyone from the housekeeping staff to the server at my lodging all began to express real concern for me. “No spouse?” they would ask, or “Where are your friends?”. I just smiled and wondered whether I had made a bad choice to travel alone for this long. Nevertheless, I was loving every minute of my time away. So here I was in a different culture and language experiencing the same response from others about not having people around me.
Society’s Messages
There are a lot of messages in many cultures about needing to be married, dating, or even living together. In our past, this was important as a way to ensure the longevity of the tribe or to marry into another group as a way to ensure peace and prosperity.
Today’s world has changed, at least in the developed nations, yet the old beliefs and messages remain. Being single is seen simply as a place to wait until the next relationship comes along. It is the waiting place between marriages. We have a very famous but horrible song saying, “You are nobody until somebody loves you.”
Very few people think of being single as a choice. We sit and we wait. We don’t do things on our own because we think we need to have a mate by our side to experience things with. Those that are single are often pitied or looked down upon. No one asks, “Do you want to be single?” Many of us might just answer back, “Yes!”
There is tremendous freedom in doing things on your own, taking care of your needs and wants without concern for another person and the compromises that may entail. It is good to take care of yourself once in awhile. Now I am not anti-marriage or a proponent of selfishness. I am a proponent of choice: the right to choose to be single or to enter into a relationship when it is right for you. The pressure of these messages can often make us doubt ourselves or want to please others. In turn, we can make some bad choices.
Being True to Yourself
If you believe that being single is a better experience for you today, then honour it and be single. At some point in your life you may choose something else. Listening to other peoples’ insecurities about their need to be with someone or to be surrounded by people all the time will make you doubt yourself and even feel bad about who you are and the decisions you have made for yourself. It is important for you to embrace the decisions you have made and enjoy them. It is your life; do not limit it by others’ beliefs.
I am a very social person but I am also a private person who needs time alone to re-energize, think, read and enjoy my own company. In recognizing these two aspects of who I am, I am better able to make sure the need to socialize and the need to be alone are both met (and not at the same time!).
Many people are terrified of being by themselves. They will do anything and everything in order to avoid feeling lonely. However the more you fight this feeling the stronger it can feel for you. Give yourself the opportunity to enjoy being on your own. If you feel lonely by yourself, remember it is just a feeling; it is not who you are. The feeling will change and the idea of lonely will go away.
The next time you choose to be single, travel on your own, or spend a whole weekend just doing things you want to do, congratulate yourself! Many people are unable to enjoy total freedom to experience their world and their life. There will be those who may be worried about the fact you are alone or are traveling on your own but remember that what you are really hearing is their fear that they could be in the position you have chosen. They are afraid that they would be unable to handle all that freedom. Perhaps you are wondering if I would do it again.
Absolutely, in a heartbeat.
Gord Riddell and Kathy Ryndak are therapists and co-founders of the Transformational Arts College. The College offers both Full and Part-time professional and personal growth programs in Spiritual Psychotherapy, Holistic Health Care, Coaching and Natural Spa Therapies. Registrations for this September are well underway. The ever popular “Discovering the Total Self” program begins its next rotation in May. For a calendar call the College at 416-484-0454 or toll free 1-800-TAC-SELF or online at www.transformationalarts.com
By Kathy Ryndak and Gord RiddellDuring this past March, Gord went off to Mexico to escape the winter and enjoy the sun and surf. I also went on my own. Yes, I was actually traveling solo – no spouse and no friends. I was very excited about the prospect of spending lots of alone time, walking on the beach or up in the mountains, doing what I wanted when I wanted to do it. Prior to leaving, my friends began expressing their concern as to how I would handle so much time on my own. What would I do? How would I fill that much time all alone? Did I know people there?
Slowly their comments began to make me think that maybe my decision to take off on my own might not be a good one. It also occurred to me that their feedback, while expressing genuine concern for me, could actually be about their fears and feelings regarding flying solo themselves. Their message to me was, “It is not okay to be single and it is scary to travel all by yourself.” They felt they needed other people both at home and while traveling. There were lots of people I could have asked to travel with me, but I chose not to. I wanted the experience of being truly on my own.
The questioning did not stop with my Canadian friends. Once in Mexico, everyone from the housekeeping staff to the server at my lodging all began to express real concern for me. “No spouse?” they would ask, or “Where are your friends?”. I just smiled and wondered whether I had made a bad choice to travel alone for this long. Nevertheless, I was loving every minute of my time away. So here I was in a different culture and language experiencing the same response from others about not having people around me.
Society’s Messages
There are a lot of messages in many cultures about needing to be married, dating, or even living together. In our past, this was important as a way to ensure the longevity of the tribe or to marry into another group as a way to ensure peace and prosperity.
Today’s world has changed, at least in the developed nations, yet the old beliefs and messages remain. Being single is seen simply as a place to wait until the next relationship comes along. It is the waiting place between marriages. We have a very famous but horrible song saying, “You are nobody until somebody loves you.”
Very few people think of being single as a choice. We sit and we wait. We don’t do things on our own because we think we need to have a mate by our side to experience things with. Those that are single are often pitied or looked down upon. No one asks, “Do you want to be single?” Many of us might just answer back, “Yes!”
There is tremendous freedom in doing things on your own, taking care of your needs and wants without concern for another person and the compromises that may entail. It is good to take care of yourself once in awhile. Now I am not anti-marriage or a proponent of selfishness. I am a proponent of choice: the right to choose to be single or to enter into a relationship when it is right for you. The pressure of these messages can often make us doubt ourselves or want to please others. In turn, we can make some bad choices.
Being True to Yourself
If you believe that being single is a better experience for you today, then honour it and be single. At some point in your life you may choose something else. Listening to other peoples’ insecurities about their need to be with someone or to be surrounded by people all the time will make you doubt yourself and even feel bad about who you are and the decisions you have made for yourself. It is important for you to embrace the decisions you have made and enjoy them. It is your life; do not limit it by others’ beliefs.
I am a very social person but I am also a private person who needs time alone to re-energize, think, read and enjoy my own company. In recognizing these two aspects of who I am, I am better able to make sure the need to socialize and the need to be alone are both met (and not at the same time!).
Many people are terrified of being by themselves. They will do anything and everything in order to avoid feeling lonely. However the more you fight this feeling the stronger it can feel for you. Give yourself the opportunity to enjoy being on your own. If you feel lonely by yourself, remember it is just a feeling; it is not who you are. The feeling will change and the idea of lonely will go away.
The next time you choose to be single, travel on your own, or spend a whole weekend just doing things you want to do, congratulate yourself! Many people are unable to enjoy total freedom to experience their world and their life. There will be those who may be worried about the fact you are alone or are traveling on your own but remember that what you are really hearing is their fear that they could be in the position you have chosen. They are afraid that they would be unable to handle all that freedom. Perhaps you are wondering if I would do it again.
Absolutely, in a heartbeat.
Gord Riddell and Kathy Ryndak are therapists and co-founders of the Transformational Arts College. The College offers both Full and Part-time professional and personal growth programs in Spiritual Psychotherapy, Holistic Health Care, Coaching and Natural Spa Therapies. Registrations for this September are well underway. The ever popular “Discovering the Total Self” program begins its next rotation in May. For a calendar call the College at 416-484-0454 or toll free 1-800-TAC-SELF or online at www.transformationalarts.com