Evolving our Coping Skills to Meet Life’s Challenges with Ease
July 2008
Conscious Living
by Kathy Ryndak and Gord Riddell
Coping skills are a complex set of internal beliefs, emotions, behaviours and communication styles that we learn from a very young age. Their purpose is to assist us in navigating and responding to our life circumstances and events. Our models are mostly caregivers and siblings in learning these skills but peers and school also play a role in their development. The most common form of learning is simply through observation and then trial and error. In other words, nobody taught us how to have coping skills; we as children simply watched others in situations and then imitated them when the situation arose.
Our coping skills are not static and set for life, although in some people they can be. How we react to any given situation will change as we age and develop a greater sense of self. However, there must also be a desire to change those defences that no longer work for us. For instance, if as a child you threw the proverbial temper tantrum when things did not go your way, you will most likely be criticized and/or ostracized for throwing a tantrum as an adult. You will possibly also feel bad about yourself for the incident and find it does not work with other adults.
Coping skills, also known as defences, are not just how we react to the world but they also assist us internally when we may be dealing with losses, such as a death, divorce or loss of health. Because our defenses are deeply ingrained, we often draw on them automatically without having to make any conscious decisions as to how we may want to respond. Our ingrained defenses are reactive to situations; in order to change we need to be able to learn how to respond.
Coping skills play a large role in certain behaviours such as addictions. When upset and/or angry we may have learned that alcohol or food can help us in dealing with our feelings. When we use them often or become out of control, it is a signal that our coping skills are no longer serving us and we are using outside things to help us cope. Food and alcohol are only two of any number of possible things we may use to get through an event, a feeling, or the day.
Evolving Our Coping Skills
To better understand ourselves we must develop an awareness of how we cope with various situations. What stresses us, makes us angry or sad? We then need to virtually observe our Self to see how we handle these situations. What skills do we have to cope with a situation? This is important because our society is developing more stressed out people than ever before. People not only work longer hours but they have more stresses at home. Many have children of their own plus aging parents that require care. They are referred to quite appropriately as the “sandwich” generation – stuck in the middle of multiple generations, with a career to boot.
For many people, not being aware of how to respond to a situation only increases their stress level; they do not have a choice in how to experience, both inside and outside of themselves, various events. They have a limited repertoire of skills to draw upon. Think of this in terms of being a carpenter with only one hammer or a cook with only one pot. You may be able to do some things but you are limited in the house you could build or the meal you could prepare. The more tools you have, the more choice you have.
Increasing Our Skill Sets
When beginning to increase your skill set, start with smaller events that have an emotional element. Ask yourself what the best response would be in this situation. Since all of our coping skills are internally geared to have an automatic reaction, it takes some doing to move from being reactive to being responsive. Many of our reactions are control issues – people not doing what we want, when we want and how we want. For most, the primary reaction is anger. Practising new responses helps to build a base for when really big things happen in our lives.
Having choices as to how, or even whether, to respond to a situation will make your life so much easier and you will experience substantially less stress. For all the energy that goes into being angry and upset, it is only the person generating that energy who experiences the ill effects. As with any change, it all begins with a genuine desire to learn to do things differently and an openness to create new things and experiences in our lives. Having a larger array of internal skills will only help to make the transitions in our life that much smoother and less stressful.
Gord Riddell and Kathy Ryndak are therapists and co-founders of the Transformational Arts College. The College offers both Full and Part-time professional and personal growth programs in Spiritual Psychotherapy, Holistic Health Care, Coaching and Natural Spa Therapies. Registrations for this September are now being accepted. Some programs are wait-listed at this time. It is important not to delay. The ever popular “Discovering the Total Self” program begins its next rotation in July. The Summer Lecture Series is held weekly all summer. For a calendar call the College at 416-484-0454 or toll free 1-800-TAC-SELF or online at www.transformationalarts.com.
by Kathy Ryndak and Gord RiddellCoping skills are a complex set of internal beliefs, emotions, behaviours and communication styles that we learn from a very young age. Their purpose is to assist us in navigating and responding to our life circumstances and events. Our models are mostly caregivers and siblings in learning these skills but peers and school also play a role in their development. The most common form of learning is simply through observation and then trial and error. In other words, nobody taught us how to have coping skills; we as children simply watched others in situations and then imitated them when the situation arose.
Our coping skills are not static and set for life, although in some people they can be. How we react to any given situation will change as we age and develop a greater sense of self. However, there must also be a desire to change those defences that no longer work for us. For instance, if as a child you threw the proverbial temper tantrum when things did not go your way, you will most likely be criticized and/or ostracized for throwing a tantrum as an adult. You will possibly also feel bad about yourself for the incident and find it does not work with other adults.
Coping skills, also known as defences, are not just how we react to the world but they also assist us internally when we may be dealing with losses, such as a death, divorce or loss of health. Because our defenses are deeply ingrained, we often draw on them automatically without having to make any conscious decisions as to how we may want to respond. Our ingrained defenses are reactive to situations; in order to change we need to be able to learn how to respond.
Coping skills play a large role in certain behaviours such as addictions. When upset and/or angry we may have learned that alcohol or food can help us in dealing with our feelings. When we use them often or become out of control, it is a signal that our coping skills are no longer serving us and we are using outside things to help us cope. Food and alcohol are only two of any number of possible things we may use to get through an event, a feeling, or the day.
Evolving Our Coping Skills
To better understand ourselves we must develop an awareness of how we cope with various situations. What stresses us, makes us angry or sad? We then need to virtually observe our Self to see how we handle these situations. What skills do we have to cope with a situation? This is important because our society is developing more stressed out people than ever before. People not only work longer hours but they have more stresses at home. Many have children of their own plus aging parents that require care. They are referred to quite appropriately as the “sandwich” generation – stuck in the middle of multiple generations, with a career to boot.
For many people, not being aware of how to respond to a situation only increases their stress level; they do not have a choice in how to experience, both inside and outside of themselves, various events. They have a limited repertoire of skills to draw upon. Think of this in terms of being a carpenter with only one hammer or a cook with only one pot. You may be able to do some things but you are limited in the house you could build or the meal you could prepare. The more tools you have, the more choice you have.
Increasing Our Skill Sets
When beginning to increase your skill set, start with smaller events that have an emotional element. Ask yourself what the best response would be in this situation. Since all of our coping skills are internally geared to have an automatic reaction, it takes some doing to move from being reactive to being responsive. Many of our reactions are control issues – people not doing what we want, when we want and how we want. For most, the primary reaction is anger. Practising new responses helps to build a base for when really big things happen in our lives.
Having choices as to how, or even whether, to respond to a situation will make your life so much easier and you will experience substantially less stress. For all the energy that goes into being angry and upset, it is only the person generating that energy who experiences the ill effects. As with any change, it all begins with a genuine desire to learn to do things differently and an openness to create new things and experiences in our lives. Having a larger array of internal skills will only help to make the transitions in our life that much smoother and less stressful.
Gord Riddell and Kathy Ryndak are therapists and co-founders of the Transformational Arts College. The College offers both Full and Part-time professional and personal growth programs in Spiritual Psychotherapy, Holistic Health Care, Coaching and Natural Spa Therapies. Registrations for this September are now being accepted. Some programs are wait-listed at this time. It is important not to delay. The ever popular “Discovering the Total Self” program begins its next rotation in July. The Summer Lecture Series is held weekly all summer. For a calendar call the College at 416-484-0454 or toll free 1-800-TAC-SELF or online at www.transformationalarts.com.